


heart-shaped box

by usure



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Families of Choice, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mutual Pining, Pining, Slow Burn, Starfleet Academy, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:35:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23867620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usure/pseuds/usure
Summary: Everyone knew that Leonard McCoy and James T. Kirk were a two-for-one package.  If Bones were even a little more sappy, he would say it felt like meeting the other half of his soul. But Bones is not sappy, so he continues to refer to Jim as “kid” and “brat”, and hopes to whatever immortal being that may be looking down on them that he doesn’t manage to ruin one of the best things that has happened to him. At the moment, with a bleeding Jim unconscious in his arms, and the sound of blaring sirens in the distance, Bones wishes that he wasn’t such a coward.aka:where Jim is injured, Bones is pining, and the state of Iowa is not ready for their combined disaster.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 20
Kudos: 68





	1. cold here in your wilderness

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Y'all!
> 
> this is my first (and hopefully not only) Star Trek fic! Disclaimer for all who enter here, I am a slow writer and I work in healthcare currently. so... i'll try to update once a month with longer chapters, or quicker with chapters under a thousand words. let me know which one you guys prefer! Enjoy the angst! and the fluff (later)!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chapter title inspiration: “water under the bridge” by adele

Everyone knew that Leonard McCoy were a two-for-one package deal. They lived together, ate together, and took enough classes together that one might assume that they were the same major instead of Jim being Command track, and Leonard doing the undergrad equivalent of a medical fellowship. There is a sense of kinship between them that feels unimpeded by time and space. If Bones were even a little more sappy, he would say it felt like meeting the other half of his soul. But Bones is not sappy, so he continues to refer to Jim as “kid” and “brat”, and hopes to whatever immortal being that may be looking down on them that he doesn’t manage to ruin one of the best things that has happened to him.

At the moment, with a bleeding Jim unconscious in his arms, and the sound of blaring sirens in the distance, Bones wishes that he wasn’t such a coward. This moment wasn’t supposed to happen yet, preferably for a long time. It should be happening on some offworld planet far away from the San Franciscan street they were walking down. It happened too suddenly to react. One moment Jim is regaling him with the events of his last hand-to-hand combat class, the next Bones finds himself flung to the ground by a huge wave of heat and pressure. He had struggled to his feet, head spinning rapidly. The street was obscured by a heavy layer of smoke, small fires barely visible through the taint. He looked around frantically for Jim, finding him in a crumpled pile several yards away.

Now, the gravel digs into his knees, and his ankles ache from throwing himself on the ground upon seeing Jim’s still body. The left side of his shirt is growing increasingly wet despite the pressure that Bones is putting on Jim’s wound, and Bones can feel the wet thump of Jim’s heart through his torn flesh. He has no hypos, no medical supplies to stop the flow of blood.

The only thing keeping Jim from bleeding out is Leonard’s jacket pressed tightly to his chest. Leonard is so focused on providing pressure that he doesn’t see Jim’s eyes slide open and lock fixedly onto his face. He does notice when Jim’s hand lands on his forearm, the skin underneath Jim’s fingernails turning purple. Leonard curses at the change, and increases the pressures. Jim gasps wetly, his other hand flailing and trying to reach where Leonard’s jacket is placed. He swats the hand away, not wanting Jim to feel exactly how much blood he’s lost. 

“Bones,” Leonard’s head snaps quickly towards Jim’s face, his irritation at the nickname irrelevant in this moment. Jim mouth trembles as he tries to force a smile, and Leonard wants to tell him that he doesn’t have to be happy-go-lucky Jim Kirk right now. But he stays silent, waiting for Jim to continue. But Jim just looks at him with cornflower blue eyes that scan over Leonard frantically. 

“I want to remember everything about you in my next life,” The words are so quiet that Leonard finds himself bending deeper over Jim’s form. The sirens in the distance have stopped and there is shouting, but all Leonard can focus on is Jim. Brave lionheart Jim, with his carefully crafted bravado and charisma. Scared, shivering Jim with pale lips and bloodshot eyes, bleeding out in the middle of the street. Jim in the sunlight in August on the coast, eyes crinkled and eyelashes alight as he throws his head back. Jim at night on their couch, loose-limbed and holding a beer, leaning against Leonard and sharing heat. Jim, Jim, Jim.

Jim couldn’t die here, not now. He was supposed to graduate next year, take over the Enterprise in three. He was supposed to be the golden lighthouse in the storm of Bone’s life, constant and blazingly bright. Always guiding Bones home, to their messy shared apartment with the plants on the windowsill, the mismatched toothbrush holders in the bathroom. 

But Leonard was a doctor before everything else, and he knew that Jim’s chance of making it out of this alive was near negligible. He barely felt the weight of Jim’s body leaving his lap, barely noticed the hands helping him stand and walk to the back of an open ambulance. He didn’t feel himself start to shake as shock set in, didn’t feel the thin blanket that wrapped over his shoulders. All he could see was the desperation and adoration that had shone out of Jim’s face.


	2. lacking patience in the stars on you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The scrapes on his arms smarted slightly, despite being carefully bandaged and cleaned. His head pounded out of rhythm with the beeps of the heart monitor. The visitor chair dug uncomfortably into the middle of his back. But Leonard can’t keep his eyes off of Jim, even though they became dry and heavy hours ago, and now ache every time he blinks. He has to stay awake, Jim might wake up soon, he has to stay awake, he has to stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, awake, awake …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I reappear from the dead. this summer was a lot more difficult work and class wise than I expected, so I was absent for a bit. HOWEVER, I already have 9/10ths of the next chapter written, so a hopeful publish date for chapter 3 is two weeks from now. As always, let me know what you guys think! this chapter’s not the happiest for our two protagonists, so please don’t yell at me once you finish reading haha.
> 
> chapter title inspiration: “juliet and caesar” by cautious clay
> 
> have a great day/night, and thanks for reading! stay safe!

Leonard McCoy didn’t join Starfleet for altruistic reasons. He joined to get the hell out of Georgia, away from the emptiness of the home he and Joyce shared. He joined so he didn’t have to see the grief and sadness etched into his grandmother’s face during her weekly check-ups on him. He joined so he wouldn’t be questioned for ending every day staring down into a bottle of hard liquor. He intended to work planetside, fade into anonymity in a Academy trauma bay, maybe get a pet. Avoid romance and close friendships at all costs. Start a new life, one more simple and less likely to end in tragedy. Be allowed to stagnate without anyone batting an eye. He was no longer that highly idealistic and motivated man has was- before.

Of course, meeting James T. Kirk changed all of that, and Leonard couldn’t bring himself to resist. He wasn’t a poet, damn it, but Jim was an irresistible force, magnetic, a fixed point around which the universe parted. Leonard could describe Jim with a million words, but all of them combined couldn’t completely define the man who almost single-handedly dragged him out of his overwhelming grief. 

Right now though, surrounded by IV lines and tubes, eyes closed and cheeks more sunken than they were yesterday, Jim was definable. He was quiet, the faint rasp of air every breath the only sound made. He was still, arms positioned woodenly at his sides, bed elevated at an angle so he didn’t suffocate on the fluid (blood) being drained out of his lungs. He wasn’t quite Jim, and Leonard couldn’t help but resenting him for it (not really, he couldn’t blame Jim for this mess. Not that he was inclined to).

Jim had woken up a couple of times from what he can remember, but Leonard hasn’t managed to speak more than three words before his eyes had drifted closed again. Leonard hasn’t slept in at least 36 hours( he doesn’t want to miss the first time that Jim is awake and conscious enough to speak). He stopped keeping track of time after the third shift change of nurses in the ICU unit. When they had tried to kick him out, Leonard huffed and threatened his way into staying. If he was in a better state of mind he’d feel guilty, but all he can focus on now is Jim, and making sure that he’s there when he wakes up.

He had called out of his classes when he was in the waiting room while Jim was in emergency surgery at a nearby hospital (not the one that he worked at), already knowing that it would be a long recovery (he didn’t let himself consider the possibility that Jim could die on that table, or as they frantically rushed him to the SICU). It had taken several threats for some of his professors to acquiesce, but the hospital had taken his PTO request without any comments. Leonard hadn’t taken a holiday since he arrived at Starfleet Academy two years ago, they probably figured that he had finally reached his limit.

The scrapes on his arms smarted slightly, despite being carefully bandaged and cleaned. His head pounded out of rhythm with the beeps of the heart monitor. The visitor chair dug uncomfortably into the middle of his back. But Leonard can’t keep his eyes off of Jim, even though they became dry and heavy hours ago, and now ache every time he blinks. He has to stay awake, Jim might wake up soon, he has to stay awake, he has to stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, awake, awake …

\---------------------------------

Leonard dreams of the first time he saw James T. Kirk. Jim was barely a week old, swaddled in blankets and unusually quiet in Winona Kirk’s arms. Leonard can remember, even through the distorted colors of his parent’s ancient holograph in their living room, that Jim’s eyes were an arresting shade of blue. He now knows that most caucasian babies have blue eyes at birth that slowly turn darker with melanination. But a six year-old Leonard McCoy had just hit his outer space phase (ironic, considering his aviophobia), and the only thing he could think of was how his eyes looked like blue compact dwarf galaxies. Swirls of young, massive stars burning bright enough that they appeared blue, defiant and vivacious even in the darkest parts of space.  
\--------------------------------

It’s loud when Leonard is jolted awake. It’s no longer just the two of them, and the small room is hot and cramped with hospital staff. A doctor that Leonard vaguely remembers giving a xenobiology and ethics talk at a Starfleet conference stands at the side of Jim’s bed, holding a clipboard as a nurse checks Jim’s vitals. A tired looking resident stands next to the doctor, listening attentively as the doctor runs through her checklist, only looking away from the proceedings to scrawl notes down on paper. And Jim…

Jim looks like he needs a good 13 hours more of sleep, and the uncovered bruises on his face shine unpleasantly in the glaring hospital light. But he’s awake, even manages a couple of tight smiles as the doctor converses with him. The heavy weight at the bottom of his stomach that Bone’s been carrying since the accident eases slightly when Jim turns his head and sees that Leonard is awake. 

Despite years fading the memory, Leonard swears that Jim’s eyes have retained their ethereal light. The faint wrinkles at the corners of Jim’s eyes crinkle as he grins. It’s more shaky than the dazzling smiles that he directed at his current target on campus or the tight grins that he had donned just a moment before. But it’s more genuine this way, even in these terrible circumstances.

“-Bones? Bones!” Leonard’s head snaps up, and he wills down the flush before it can even appear. He had clearly spent a while in thought, as the room was empty besides the two of them. “Did that explosion kill the last of your brain cells? Not that you had many to begin with.”

Despite the fact that Leonard knows that Jim deals with hurt and pain and suffering by using humor to mask it, a hot surge of anger and desperation combined rises in his chest. Before he can stop himself, he starts- well, it isn’t shouting, but it’s a cold stony tone of voice that he hasn’t used since the divorce papers were still being processed. 

“I can’t believe you did that.” Leonard could see the way that Jim’s open and relieved face shut down, eyes blank and lips pressed into a thin line.

“That I did what?” His toneless response has Leonard regretting his thoughtless words, but Jim continues without the space for Leonard to get a word in edgewise. “That I protected the little girl that was walking ahead of us?”

“No, that’s not what I-“

“That I didn’t think before rushing in? That I got myself injured yet again? Newsflash Bones, but I did the right thing. I saved a life, and maybe I’m a bit scuffed up but it was worth it! I can’t believe you-“

Jim’s tone, acidic and hurt, added to the pool of resentment building in Leonard’s gut. He’s aware that he needs to step back from the situation, take a few breathes, but it’s so much easier to just start talking.

“Jim, you need to start actually caring about whether you live or die at some point. Next time you won’t be as lucky.”

“I absolutely care about whether I live or die, you sanctimonious prick! You don’t get to make choices for me!”

“Well, at this rate I’m going to start needing to! If you even think about doing anything like that again, I’ll put you on medical leave for twice as long as you need to heal-”

“What the fuck, you can’t do that-”

“I think you’ll find that I can!” Leonard could hear himself breathing heavily (he had stood up at some point, when did he do that?), but his mind was awash with a wave of anger and worry gnarled together, so thick that he couldn’t think of calming down. Jim had to see that he couldn’t keep on throwing himself into danger, that he needed some sort of limit. Bones didn’t want to be the one to enforce that limit, but he goddamn will if Jim doesn’t start seeing sense- 

“Get out,” It takes Leonard a second to realize that Jim had spoken, and he looked over at the man with a disbelieving glare. Jim held his gaze evenly, eyes worryingly vacant of emotion. Leonard had never seen Jim wear that expression before towards him (towards other people of course, usually the snobbier admirals and the occasional bully, but never towards Leonard the little voice at the back of his head whispered)

“What?” The word drags itself out of Leonard’s throat, and despite the fact that he knows he should be calming down, he can recognize the vitriol in his own voice. He wishes he could take back what he said when Jim’s eyes became even blanker. Instead of the warmth of the sky and the glow of a young, bright galaxy, Jim’s eyes reminded him of the thin layer of black ice that covered the roads of Georgia in the winter, transparent in his danger, and colder than a hand could bear to touch.

“I said get out.” When Leonard continues to stand there mutely, guilt and anger twisting nauseously in his gut, Jim’s voice took on a high, strained quality, trembling when before there was only control. “Get the fuck out of this room!”

Before Jim can say anything else (add any more weight to the emotional mass in his gut), Leonard is already running out into the hallway, door banging shut after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh, don’t we all need some emotional trauma in our lives?
> 
> here’s a secret, when I first wrote this chapter I included a part from a couple chapters ahead, but decided to push it off because I needed to write something dramatic haha.


	3. grazed the lip, spread like a fog

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Leonard receives a rude awakening, and Gaila is a goddess among mortals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
> so.... i would have updated on sunday, but my computer is literally falling apart (i have tape holding it together right now). i now need to find time to replace my computer, so the next update will likely be three weeks to a month from now :( 
> 
> this chapter was not edited, so i'll try to correct any errors soon, unless my laptop finally gives up and shuts down for good. (fingers crossed that that doesn't happen). 
> 
> anyways!
> 
> chapter title inspo : "funeral singers" by sylvan esso (an absolutely beautiful song 10 out of 10 would recommend)
> 
> thanks for reading!

Leonard knows that he looks a right mess in the sparkling clean cafeteria with his day old clothing and his patchy “I haven’t shaved” beard. He scowls at the cafeteria lady when he notices her staring at him, and she flushes and turns away in response. He grabs a wrapped deli sandwich and what looks like a container of yogurt. Knowing his luck, it’ll be a dish from some random federation planet, and once Jim smells the residue on his breath (or something inane like that) his face will turn blue. Leonard’s stomach drops unpleasantly when he thinks about walking back up to Jim’s hospital room. The anger that had driven his actions was still bubbling up into his throat, but it was no longer erupting from his mouth. He drops slowly into a nearby chair, and thinks.

Leonard is well aware he’s got a short fuse, especially when it comes to Jim’s safety. But he also has issues holding onto that anger for more than one day (not to mention that if he stayed angry for more than a day when Jim did something stupid, he would be angry 24/7 and with blood pressure issues to boot). It was rare for other people to even know that Bones was truly angry, considering that his attitude was similar to an ornery old goat (Uhara’s words, not his). Leonard knows that he’s become even harder to read after his divorce. Jim on the other hand…

Jim was usually kind, and bright, and personable and all of the words that you would find in a Hallmark card. Usually being the key word there. Jim was a man of two extremes, so when he was mad, it could aptly be described by most people as a state of fury. Bones has only seen him angry a few times before, once when he saw a younger student being bullied, and another time when Leonard withheld information about what happened in his Aerospace Navigation class a year ago. Leonard shuddered at the memory. He had been sick the instant he stepped onto the aircraft and despite the fact that he had talked to the instructor about not flying during the first view weeks to try and ease into flying, the instructor decided that Leonard’s best bet for overcoming his aviophobia was to have him be the first student to fly the aircraft. He walked out of the aircraft at that point, sure that even a failing grade in this class was not worth endangering other students with his own fear.

Jim had found him several hours and a call shift later, slouched on the couch and blankly watching holoscreen soap dramas. Jim was after him immediately, persisting asking him questions and generally being a nuisance. Leonard, still nursing a headache from hospital rounds, had eventually given in because he just wanted some peace and quiet, damnit! Piece by piece, Jim extracted the entire story out of him, then spent the next half hour loudly berating the instructor and calling him a shitty barnacle with an overblown ego (among other insults). 

Leonard had been doing his best to tune the rant out (by shoving a pillow over his head and resisting all attempts to get him off the couch), so it took him several seconds to realize that Jim had stopped talking. Leonard sat up quickly, and scanned the apartment. Jim was nowhere in sight, and with a curse Leonard dragged himself to his feet, stumbled into a pair of sneakers and was running out the door.

He had found Jim interrogating the Aerospace instructor outside of the Astronomy building after a half hour of searching. The instructor was pale and sweating when Leo walked towards the two, and he turned even paler when he saw Leonard. Jim didn’t even glance at him, too busy glaring at the instructor that he had shoved against a wall. Gone was the easy-go-lucky individual that he had gotten to know, and in his place there was glacial eyes and a healthy dosing of cold fury. As Leonard walked closer, he had seen the white-knuckled grip that Jim had on the man’s collar, and had sighed internally.

After some convincing from Leonard’s end and threatening on Jim’s end, the instructor agreed to commit to Leonard’s original plan for the class. Once the man had all but run away, Leonard had rounded on Jim and furiously told him that he could deal with his own issues, and that Jim wasn’t in charge of his life in any capacity. That was the first true fight the two of them had had, and Jim had retained a chilly distance that Leonard angrily reinforced. It had taken several days for the two to even talk (despite the fact that they shared an apartment), and several more for them to retain the easy atmosphere that defined their friendship. But after that there was an unspoken agreement that they would stop trying to make decisions for the other person.

And Leonard had totally blown it!

Thrown back to the current moment and cursing underneath his breath, he scrambled to his feet. Granted, Leonard knew that he was allowed to feel anger and frustration when someone he loved was hurt, but he had no right to try and control Jim’s life. His stomach sank further when he realized that instead of providing comfort and reassurance like he had done in the various iterations of daydreams that had filled the long hours sitting by Jim’s bedside, he had yelled at him, berated him for making the decision to save another life, threaten to restrict his freedom to live independently. 

Leonard knew that he wasn’t perfect, but he couldn’t believe how he let his anger get the best of him, yet again. He had promised himself to do better after the miscarriage, after the lawsuit, after the divorce, after the alcoholic haze, to think before he spoke. Leonard could have spent the rest of the day ruminating over how he had messed up and reviewing all of his (many) flaws, but the sound of his phone ringing. He brought it up to his ear without even checking the number and managed to growl out:

“This is Leonard McCoy, please call back later I’m a little busy -”

“Leo!” The familiar voice interrupted him before he could start cursing the speaker out, and he felt a wave of relief run through him. He had truly messed up this time, but she would know what to do. “I heard about what happened! Is James awake yet?”

“Nyota. Yeah, he’s awake, and was doing okay the last time I saw him.” Leonard shrugged his shoulder so it was holding the phone to his ear, slowly sitting down again.

Leonard would never understand Jim and Nyota’s friendship. He didn’t even know if said friendship existed. From the outside, the two got along like Vulcans and Romulans (that is to say, very poorly), but they could also be found sitting at a table in the library and arguing even though they shared very few classes, and walking to the classes they did share with Uhara berating Jim for whatever he had done wrong at the time. Most of the time, it was Leonard that was forced to be the middle between the two, and he had nursed countless headaches as they argued over his head about agriculture methods on type K planets, or the proper way to greet a Gorn ambassador. If Leonard had to leave, they would both say goodbye distractedly and then keep on debating as if there was no interruption at all. He had no idea how the two were going to survive a further year of schooling, and then potential limitless assignments together in the future. He just hoped that some other sap had to be stuck in the middle in the future.

“What, you mean that you actually left his side? Willingly?” Leonard doesn’t snap at her, but it’s a close thing stopped only by the fact that he can tell that she’s teasing him.

“Ha ha, very funny lady.” He grumbles, and hears her scoff slightly in response.

“What do you mean? I’m absolutely hilarious Leo.” When he doesn’t fire back a response, Nyota sighs slightly. He can hear a person talking in the background of her audio, and as she pulls away the phone in order to respond to the other person, he wonders how many people were worried about how Jim was doing. He feels a sudden surge of guilt for not checking in with Nyota earlier, he had the time, all he had been doing was staring at Jim as he was in a medically induced coma. 

It takes a moment for Nyota’s voice to become clear again, a clear sign that she had picked up her phone again. 

“Hand the phone over to Jim if he’s awake please? I have to tell him that he’s stupid and that he should never do that again.” Leonard braces himself, and manages to force out his next words.

“I’m not with Jim right now.”

“What did he do? Other than trying to be a martyr” At Nyota’s slightly accusatory tone, Leonard defensively snaps back:

“Nothing, he did nothing. This one was my fault.” Nyota sighs, and then groans slightly.

“Jesus, don’t jump down my throat. Okay, I’m sensing an emotional conversation. One second.” Leonard nods,(stupid, she can’t see him) abashed at how rude he was during the entirety of the conversation. He can hear her setting the phone done, and calling out the one name that he didn’t want to hear in this situation. “Gaila!”

Leonard curses, taking a vicious bite out of his sandwich. It wasn’t as though he disliked Gaila, they usually got along well. However, Gaila has the unnerving ability to see all the way past Leonard’s bullshit (in a way that only Jim can parallel). He still felt raw from their argument, not to mention the fact that he couldn’t have slept for more than a few hours before Jim woke him up. This conversation was going to suck.

“Leo! How are you doing darling?” Upon hearing the endearment, Leonard grins despite himself. The two of them had had an easy relationship from the start, much to the surprise of everyone around them (it wasn’t so surprising once one actually thought about it. Meeting someone else who’s maintained a mask for years is a rare occurrence, people are much more honest than they think they are. If they thought Leonard was going to let a kindred spirit go, they had another thing coming to them.)

“Not too bad sugar. How are you?” He knows that changing the topic won’t work with the engineer, which is why he isn’t surprised when she says bluntly:

“Don’t lie to me, you know it doesn’t work. How are you doing?” Despite knowing what would happen, Leonard still groans as his deflection attempt is thwarted.

“Goddamnit fine” Bones can hear Gaila laugh in that high and breezy way that she only uses when she’s winning an argument with him, “ I fucked up.”

“And? You have to elaborate darling, I can’t read your mind.”

“Thank goodness for that,” Leonard mutters underneath his breath, scowling as Gaila laughs at him again. “If you keep on laughing at me sugar, I’m not gonna tell you anything.”

“Fine, you’re no fun,” Leonard scowls even though he knows that Gaila can’t see him. “How did you fuck up?”

“Well, I got mad, earlier. Said some things I shouldn’t have, told Jim that he doesn’t know how to take care of himself.” Leonard pauses, knowing that Gaila will wait for him to finish, and shakily inhales, “I broke a promise Gaila, one of the only things that I’ve ever promised him. Something that important, and I goddamn fucked up.”

“Ahh, it’s this conversation,” before Leonard can ask Gaila what she means, she’s pulling the phone away from her ear. He can hear a door opening and closing, and the low buzz of conversation present from the start of the phonecall disappears. There’s a pause, Leonard waiting for her to start, his heart in his throat.

“He loves you Leo,” Gaila’s voice was soft in a way that she rarely allowed. She was a hard person, both by circumstance and by countenance. It was easy for others to simply see a giggling girl, ignorant of the world and easy to manipulate, because that’s what she wanted them to see. Gaila had her reasons for acting that way, all of them valid, and none of them Leonard’s business. He still thinks that it must be lonely sometimes. 

“Hell, I know. I’m like the honorary big brother trying to keep him out of trouble. That’s what makes this so bad.” Leonard pushes down the old hurt (Jim could never love him the same way that he loved Jim). Gaila sighing drags him out of his thoughts.

“Flark, why are you so dense?” She continues without pausing, giving Leonard no room to defend himself, “He loves you.”

“Gaila-”

“No listen. He loves you. If you decided that space wasn’t for you, and that you wanted to be the doctor for a traveling circus instead, Jim would follow you and become a flarking acrobat. You are the single most important person to that boy, and despite your ‘tough guy exterior’, he’s your most important person too.” Leonard quashes the small bit of hope that lights up while listening to her talk (it couldn’t be true, there were a million and two reasons why Jim wanted someone better, deserved someone better than a burnt-out, miserable piece of shit like Leonard), and rubs at the corner of his eye.

“That’s a nice thought sugar, but you’re wrong.” At this, Gaila snarls:

“Bullshit, you’re scared that I’m right. Because that means that the only person getting in the way of your happiness is you,” Her voice loses the rasping quality it gets when she’s angry, and her next words sound slightly apologetic, “Why are you so afraid of being loved?”

“Hah, lots of reasons, and all of them good.” His laugh is coarse and raspy, and at this point he doesn’t even try to hide the pain behind his words.

“Well, that answer is definitely something we’re going to talk about later sweetpea. Don’t think you can weasel out of it.” Leonard snorts tiredly, wishing that this conversation was over already, and that he could still pretend that Jim was just a friend. “Go talk to him.”

“Jesus christ, now is not the time for me to tell him anything other than ‘sorry’ and ‘feel free to call me stupid’.” Leonard babbles over the wave of anxiety that floods him.

“No, no! Just talk to him. The Federation wasn’t built in a day, and neither was romance. Just apologize.”

“Okay,” Leonard shakily inhales as he stands up and starts walking towards the doors of the cafeteria. “Okay, I can do that.”

“Go kill ‘em tiger,” the old Earth phrase sounded ridiculously endearing in Gaila’s slight accent, and he chuckles slightly.

“That’s tiger-tamer to you sugar. Talk later.” With that Leonard ends the call, and takes a deep, bracing breath. Time to face the music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahh, the number of headcanons that i came up with while writing this chapter! i absolutely love the thought that gaila and leonard are both pretty flirty people ( in different ways of course), so when they interact they use endearments for each other platonically. also nyota would absolutely avoid the f*** out of emotional conversations, which i very strongly relate with.
> 
> please let me know what you think! (love, hate, ambivalent, thoughts on characterization, dialogue, headcanons, anything I love chatting with you guys!)
> 
> have a great day/ night/ whatever time of day it is for you, stay safe, and thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I've been in love with this ship for years, and I'm so proud of myself for finally starting this. 
> 
> the title of this fic is inspired by the song "heart-shaped box" by Nirvana. there's also a very cool cover by Glass Animals.
> 
> Have a great rest of your day, and leave some love (in the form of comments and kudos) if you want to!


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